Sunday, November 13, 2005

Umm What Did I Just Watch

A while back I wrote about a little movie called Miss Cast Away and the Island Girls starring Eric Roberts, Evan Marriott (aka Joe Millionaire) and Michael Jackson. Well the movie finally came in from Netflix this past week and let me tell you it's every bit as bad as advertised. How bad you ask? Well the ending of the movie (spoiler alert for any other moron who rents this movie) is that everyone is saved from the island (except for one of the main characters and his girlfriend, who decide to live happily ever after on the island) by a spaceship filled with animated birds. Sadly, I'm not making this up. This might be the first comedy I have ever seen where I did not not laugh at a single joke. Here's a sampling of some of the jokes in the movie:
"So nice to meet you Captain Sanders."
"You have to call him Colonel."

Or how about this knee-slapper:
"Your mission which we will call the Raiders of Noah's Ark."
This one is really funny too:
"Lower the periscope."
[A stethoscope is lowered.]
"I didn't say the stethoscope, the periscope please."
[A telescope is lowered.]
"Not the telescope, the periscope please."
[The screen goes to letterbox dimensions.]
"I didn't ask for cineoscope."
This is my personal favorite:
"What about my lions and tigers and bears..."
"Oh my."
You get the picture. I was literally cringing the entire movie because the jokes were so horrible. There were only two things in this movie that made me laugh, and I don't think the director of the movie intended these parts to be funny. One of the funny parts in the movie was whenever Joe Millionaire or Michael Jackson were on screen. They were both so bad that Vin Diesel's performance in The Fast and the Furious was an Academy Award winning performance compared to these two guys. The second funny part of the movie was the CGI effects which basically looked like director took some animations from my old Playstation One and plastered them on the screen. I think if they had hand drawn their special effects, it would have looked more convincing. Unless you inspire to star in the new Mystery Science 3000 or if you're just a sucker for horrible movies, don't ever watch this movie.